


You and I

by Ayyynojam (orphan_account)



Category: GOT7, Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Friendship/Love, M/M, Misunderstandings, jinson are roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 00:07:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21807910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Ayyynojam
Summary: Jackson is pining hard for his best friend and he's almost certain Jinyoung doesn't feel the same.
Relationships: Park Jinyoung/Jackson Wang, minor!Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung
Comments: 6
Kudos: 45





	1. Unrequited

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter and probably the next is not in chronological order. I’ve included page breaks each time it’s a different period in their relationship. Hopefully it’s not too confusing. Basically, it’s just Jackson recalling small snippets of their relationship as he angsts by himself at the bus stop lol.

I gaze at the porcelain of your face and my heart lights up,

Your gentle nature teaches me to float into your embrace;

And then your laughter; it draws from me

A sequence of joy; my musk and distilled rose

Make vintage of your cunning scent.

~Divan 2253

\--------

_Clang, clang._

Raindrops pattered lightly but resolutely, on the metallic roof of the empty bus stop, save for a lone figure. The slowing rhythm of the drizzling rain against the roof marked the end of an intense downpour as water gushed along the open drains running across the edge of the curb where Jackson's damp sneakers stood. For Jackson, it felt like a storm was only just starting to brew in his mind. His fingers ran across the screen of his phone, checking for the nth time for a reply.

A dozen unread notifications, a dozen chats, all a blurry mess. None of it really mattered. Not even a single one. Save for the one he wished to see so desperately each time his screen lit up, his dark brown eyes boring into the screen with a fervor even he himself couldn't understand.

_Jinyoung._

He felt a dull ache in his chest as he scrolled mindlessly through his phone. It was like a vicious, masochistic cycle he put himself through.

_Why did he do this to himself?_

He had only just realized yesterday that he may be completely, helplessly in love with his best friend. Scratch that. He was definitely in love him. And yes, his best friend was a guy. A guy who gave no indication that he even swung that way until recently. Maybe.

_Fuck. Jackson couldn’t wrap his head around it._

That guy's name was Jinyoung. His best friend. The one person in the world he thought understood him, accepted him for who he was, who would always be by his side no matter what. Who told him he would always be there for him. But where was he now?

Not that Jackson could blame him really…

\--------

Jackson is a popular guy on campus. It really didn't take much guesswork to understand why, with an unguarded and cheerful demeanor that puts anyone he meets instantly at ease. He had many friends, but in reality, he felt so alone. Everyone loves him. Or so they say. But did they really love him when he didn't feel like cracking jokes and doing silly things that made everyone keel over in rapturous laughter? Deep down inside he felt suffocated. Like he had to put on a show with everyone around him. Otherwise no one would love him. Everyone would leave him.

Then he met Jinyoung.

Unlike him, Jinyoung could give a fuck about being a people pleaser. And yet, there he was. The other popular guy on campus. Men, women and children alike flocked to him like honeybees drawn to a garden in full bloom. His frequent smirks and sharp gaze were sometimes mirthful and sometimes playful. You couldn't really tell. But that was the allure. That was Jinyoung.

And Jackson was no different from the rest. He fell fast and he fell hard. At first it was like a moth drawn to flame, curious about the icy prince everyone fawned over. The age-old adage. They met at a party of a mutual friend, Mark, and to everyone's surprise, hit it off instantly. Giggling and linking arms by the end of the night, they shared coded jokes like old friends who've known each other their whole lives.

Mark introduced them with the intention of helping Jackson find a new roommate as he was moving out soon, that year being his senior year. Coincidentally, Jinyoung was looking for a dorm nearer to the campus. When, Jackson first met Jinyoung it felt like a blessing from the heavens Jackson thought he didn’t even earn. Jackson felt so at ease with Jinyoung. Though as time passed and his feelings grew, Jackson couldn’t help but wonder if the heavens were just playing a cruel joke on him, revelling in his one-sided suffering.

Unlike other people he didn't feel like he needed to pretend to be happy all the time or do silly things all the time. Of course, Jinyoung laughs all the same at Jackson's silly antics. But it’s different. It’s never at his expense. He never had any expectations for Jackson. And he made it absolutely clear. But Jinyoung was also unexpectedly warm. Every time Jackson made a self-deprecating joke, Jinyoung would stare into his eyes with a soft gaze, unlike others who would merely laugh without much thought. Somehow Jinyoung senses the weight of his words, the way he says it as though it has any semblance of truth Jackson believes it holds.

\--------

_Jinyoung-ah._

_Hmmm…?_

It all started with a large playmat Jackson brought in from home after the study break. It was his beloved niece’s playmat that she outgrew. Jackson decided to fix it onto the bare floor between their two beds. At first Jackson just loved laying on it during the hot summer nights in his boxers and occasionally a sleeveless tee. Occasionally.

He would lay on it while Jinyoung sat at his own study table, laptop keys clacking away while he worked on an assignment or did his readings. Eventually, it became a habit to lay there if he wanted chatter away about anything that was on his mind while Jinyoung would hum in affirmation every once in a while, to let him know he was listening.

And Jinyoung was listening.

After a particularly stressful day, Jackson laid on the mat as he usually did, fresh out of the shower. His eyes glued shut as he wracked his brains trying to figure out what he could have done to change anything. Of course, he couldn’t. There was no controlling what other people decided to do or say. Jackson knew that, he knew it well but he couldn’t help himself. It was an obsessive torment he inflicted upon himself, to ruminate and blame himself for everything that went wrong.

_Jinyoung-ah…_

He repeated once more, this time his voice trembling ever so slightly. The clacking of keys stopped abruptly. But Jackson hadn’t noticed. He was too wrapped up in his own turmoil, replaying the events of that day over and over again obsessively.

Suddenly, the warmth of a soft fabric enveloped him, draping over his chest and sliding under his neck. The scent of Jinyoung’s freshly washed hoodie wafted through his nose. A hot breath tickled his ear. His eyes widened as he turned his head to find Jinyoung’s gaze piercing into him mere inches from his face as they laid side by side. His gaze grew softer once Jackson made eye contact with him and smiled sadly at his troubled friend.

_Sseunnie...why do you do this to yourself? They don’t deserve you, you know. You give and give. But what have they ever done for you? You’re the most amazing person I know and they can’t even see that. Just drop them, they’re not worth your time._

_I know Jinyoung, it’s just…its hard you know. They’re not bad people. It’s just…I…I’m so tired._

Jinyoung smothers him into his chest and pulls him into a tighter hug, murmuring a soothing tune as Jackson sighed into his friend’s embrace. He listened as Jinyoung’s heart pounded slowly and calmly, assuaging his frazzled mind and lulling him into a deep slumber. That night, he woke up to the familiar sound of laptop keys clacking away methodically.

The room lights were now turn off, and Jackson was on his own bed, his blanket tucked over him carefully. He turned to lay on his side, staring at the back of his friend who was fully concentrated on his laptop, with only a dim orange light emanating from his study lamp vaguely revealing the greyish hue of the hoodie Jackson fell asleep on just hours earlier. A blush slowly crept up his ears. He was not unaware of the emotions that crept along with it.

_Shit._

Jinyoung is always there for him. Always listening to him. Always pulling him out of his toxic tendencies. Always on his side. Always.

And he does the same for Jinyoung.

_But he wants more._

Somewhere along the way, he didn’t know when exactly, he started having a sick feeling at the pit of his stomach every time he thought about Jinyoung. He still loved Jinyoung’s company. He enjoyed every moment spent together. He never wanted those moments to end. He always tried to prolong them. Jackson would suggest they get a midnight snack whenever they were on their way home together or whine that he wanted to walk the scenic (read: longer) route back to the dorm all the while stuffing his hand into the other’s pocket under the pretence of seeking warmth.

Jinyoung obliged him in every way. Smiling at him unabashedly, holding his hand out for Jackson to grab. He knew his friend loved him too. But he also knew he loved more, cherished more. He loved differently. He didn’t have to ask or say it, somehow, he just knew.

\--------

_Jinyoung-ah…I love you._

A characteristically mechanical and booming laughter escaped his friend's lips. It was so soothing to Jackson's ears. It always put him at ease. But right now, it only made his throat tense up and his heart drop a little.

_Ha-ha. What are you saying all of a sudden…?_

_Just because…I just wanted to say it._

_Hahaha, I love you too…you're my forever friend Sseun-ah._

Whatever remained of Jackson's fragile heart dangling by a thread of every word uttered by Jinyoung, fell into a bottomless abyss.

_Forever friend._

Those words stung Jackson more than he thought it would. He let out a bitter laugh to himself in his own bed later that night. Jinyoung of course was already sound asleep in the next bed, seemingly without a care in the world. Of course, it was Jackson who said those words first, not knowing it would come to bite him back in the ass one day.

_Wang gae! Yah Jinyoung-ah pleaseee…just indulge me this once._

Jackson let out a puppy-like pout with his large eyes pleading Jinyoung to give in just this once. And all the other times he's said it. Even though Jinyoung was known to have an icy exterior, the few who knew him well, knew how soft he was on the inside, softer than marshmallows melting at the warmth of a blazing campfire. Even before Jackson put on his best puppy stare, his heart already gave in to Jackson's adorable antics a long time ago.

_Park gae…_

_Eeeee…it makes me so happy hearing you say it. Hehe. Jinyoung-ah, you're my forever friend._

Jinyoung would just grin widely at him not saying a word. His button nose crinkled as he flashed the most beautiful eye smile Jackson swears he's ever seen.

Jackson recalls all those wanggae parkgae shenanigans as he stared into the sleeping back of his friend. Following the rise and fall of the other man’s tranquil breaths, he wonders to himself what would Jinyoung think if he knew. Would he shun him like so many of his friends did before? All this while, such reactions never truly fazed Jackson. Sure, he felt slighted sometimes and maybe a little hurt but he never gave it much thought before moving on and shrugging it off.

Society may be evolving to become more accepting but it was still difficult to live as a homosexual in Korea. Society still wasn’t so accepting of people like Jackson there. He knew it well and decided to keep this part of him relatively low-key despite his boisterous and loud personality. He didn’t hide it nor did he advertise it blatantly for the world to know. If they knew, they knew.

But somehow when it came to Jinyoung, every little thing mattered. And this, well, this really caused him a whole bunch of sleepless nights. What if Jinyoung found it disgusting? The thought of it pained Jackson so much it physically hurt.

_Ugh._

He decided it was something to hold off for another time. After all, he had two exams coming up in 10 hours and it was already 3am.

_Enough, get your shit together Jackson._

He groaned softly as he shut his eyes and fidgeted around his bed, hoping all his useless thoughts would swirl into a vortex and disappear into a corner of his mind forever.

A low voice hummed from across the room. It sounded a little hoarse and unsure.

_Jackson-ah…are you…are you still awake?_

_H-huh…uh yeah…_

_Can I…ask you something?_

_Sure…_

_Why did you say that you loved me so suddenly?_

Jinyoung’s voice sounding firm as he asked the last question. Jackson cleared his throat.

_Well…because I do you know…as a friend, I love you._

He wanted to slap himself. _Friend my foot._

He looked up to Jinyoung’s side, whose back was still turned to him so he couldn’t get a read on his friend’s reaction. His eyes focused on Jinyoung's sides which were rising and falling at the same pace it had been earlier, calm and methodical, as always.

_I see._

And that was it. A cryptic response wrapping up a cryptic question unfurling the vortex Jackson was so desperately staving off earlier. An unbearable silence hung over the room as Jackson waited for Jinyoung to say something else. Anything really. But he didn’t. Jackson groaned silently this time as he threw his blanket over his head in surrender.

_Welp. Good-fucking-bye sleep._

\--------

Standing at the bus stop, Jackson looked up at the sky. It was now clear and bright betraying the fact that a heavy downpour flooded the streets earlier with unrelenting rain, if not for the water still gushing through the drains.

_Fuck._

Jackson had fucked up big time.

He gave his phone another stare as he flipped back his blond bangs that were dripping wet. He stared at the flurry of messages he sent over the past hour.

_Jinyoung please._

_Just answer me._

_Please._

_Please. I’m sorry…_

_I don’t know what came over me._

_I just… Please just give me another chance to explain._

His fingers hovered over his phone screen. Hesitantly, he typed one last message in desperation.

_Jinyoung. I love you. And not just as a friend._

Immediately he regretted it and tried to delete the message but it was too late. Double ticked.

_Fuck, fuck fuck fuck._

Seconds later, a message notification pops up while his mind was going through a swirl of panic at the message he just sent. His chest tightens when he sees the name.

_Jinyoung._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of angst, especially unrequited stuff. please bear with it if it’s a little self-indulgent. I can’t say for certain that its gonna get any less angsty, but don’t despair. There’s a hopeful ending.
> 
> Btw jinson ftw, their friendship is so pure asafdsdghsdfljgsnajkl;


	2. Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why was Jinyoung so cryptic? Why does he hold back so much? Nobady knowssss. A chapter filled with incessant question marks and the word incessant. Also angst that made me question my own sanity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung's pov!
> 
> *also some mild sexual references. nothing major tho. not yet at least HAHA. we'll see.
> 
> **edits to jaebum's text convo and jy's internal monologue at the library
> 
> \-------------

_Now that your soul has entered my all-too-present flesh_

_And made with it a soul in kind,_

_Your each embarking thought,_

_The breathing swing and sway of your every movement_

_Makes an impression on the wax of my surrendering will._

~Divan 2313

\-------------

Strong winds howled into the night as the rain poured incessantly. The dimly lit street lamps causing a glittery effect as it reflected the shower enveloping the streets. It almost looked sort of beautiful Jinyoung thought. He felt the loss of heat as a grip released his hand and slipped out from his right pocket, gently tracing across his waist, palm settling gently on his left hip. He looked down at the man leaning onto his shoulder as if it was the most natural thing in the world. He felt his heartbeat slow down, and any worries that he had flushed out from his mind. Jackson just had that kind of effect on Jinyoung. His touches, his embrace, even just a small encouraging hand on his shoulders instantly soothed Jinyoung. Only Jackson had that kind of effect on him.

_Only Jackson._

The strong winds raged on as the rain started to invade the poorly sheltered bus stop that the two men took cover in. Honestly, if they just took the normal route back to their dorms they would have probably been able to escape the rain, but Jackson insisted they took the longer walk through the park. Something about stars or squirrels. With anyone else, Jinyoung would have probably rolled his eyes and left them to their own devices. Jackson turned his head up to face Jinyoung, head still resting on his shoulders. The rain started to patter onto Jackson’s face but he didn’t seem to mind. Jinyoung didn’t realise how soft Jackson’s features were, his eyes tracing every contour of the blond man’s face. _Only Jackson._ He thought.

_Jinyoung ah, why are your hands so cold?_

_Hmm? I don’t know, is it because I’m the Ice Prince? Hahaha…_

_I don’t get it. Why do people call you that, you’re the warmest person I know. What kind of Ice Prince squeezes a random kid’s cheeks just because they’re cute?_

_Ha-ha…what are you talking about…_

Jinyoung’s voice trailed off as he wondered to himself. Why _did_ people call him the Ice Prince anyway? He honestly didn’t know. He didn’t really like it but it didn’t bother him that much. At least it was better than what he was called in high school.

_Hey Junior! Your life mentor is calling you hahahaha._

_He’s not my life mentor, asshole._

This mentor in question was Jinyoung’s homeroom teacher who took an instant liking to him after learning they shared the same name and took it upon himself to dub him Junior. The class was in uproar the first time his teacher suggested it and the name caught on like wildfire. They weren’t even anything alike and Jinyoung absolutely hated it.

Why did people love to put a label on things so much? As if the world was so simple that he could just be put in a box just like that. In his heart he rebelled against it. He wasn’t the Ice Prince. He wasn’t Junior. He was just Jinyoung. Full of dreams, full of genuine wonder and curiosity about the world around him and full of contradictions. Just like anyone else, he had his own doubts, his own insecurities. He looked calm and composed on the outside after tripping over a curb but inside he was dying of embarrassment at his mistake. He wasn’t this perfect person people around him like to project their fantasies on. He was just…

_Jinyoung? Jinyoung-ah, are you listening?_

_Huh?_

_You looked pretty spaced out there. What’s wrong?_

Jackson had lifted his head off from Jinyoung’s shoulders and was now looking at him with a worried expression. Jinyoung couldn’t help but smile. He didn’t know why, with Jackson, he just couldn’t help himself.

_It’s nothing. Really. Sometimes I just wish…I don’t know, that people wouldn’t take me so seriously all the time. I don’t know, is it just something I’m doing wrong?_

_Jinyoung. You’re perfect the way you are. You’re doing just fine._

_Ha-ha…I think you’re my real life mentor Sseunie._

His small smile now forming a full-blown grin that caused his eyes to crinkle the way it did. Jackson seemed startled as Jinyoung noticed a slight blush form on the sides his face, where his blond bangs fell over. Even then, he didn’t break his eye contact and continued staring into Jinyoung’s eyes as if he was searching for something in his gaze. It was something Jinyoung always found so incredibly cute.

\-------------

_sO CuTe._

_What?_

_I see it in your eyes Jinyoung, I know what you’re thinking._

_Ha-ha. What are you talking about man?_

_Don’t even think about it okay. He’s Jackson. The one I told you about. He’s gonna be your new roommate AND he happens to be my beloved little brother so don’t you dare lay a finger on him if you don’t fucking mean it._

_He’s Jackson?_

_And he’s gay. But don’t tell him I told you that alright. I’m just saying you could affect him. He’s been through a lot and I don’t want your frivolous ass all over him just to satisfy your whims and fancy._

_Hahaha. Okay okay…jeez he’s really that important to you huh?_

_Once you get to know him better, you’ll get it. Jackson’s special…he’s really not quite like anyone you’ll meet._

Special was an understatement. What Mark failed to tell him was that Jackson could be so adorable, sexy and rough all at the same time. That night was the first time he talked to Jackson, and yet the man was so open with him, so friendly and accepting of whatever sharp remarks slipped from Jinyoung’s mouth from time to time. Jackson made him instantly feel at ease. He knew it wasn’t just him, that everyone felt the same. It was a rare quality to find in a person. A quality that people loved to take advantage of.

_So open, so vulnerable. I just want to ~~eat him up~~ wrap him in my arms and protect him from the scary world. _

Jinyoung wasn't lying, if he could, he would have taken him right there and then. But of course, he couldn’t. And even later that night with the buzz of alcohol filling their minds, Jinyoung didn’t. He was glad he didn’t. Sex would have just complicated the whole relationship and he didn’t want that. He loved what he had with Jackson. And what he had right now was more than enough for him.

He wasn’t exclusively gay or anything like that. He’s dated girls before. He enjoyed their company. He even enjoyed the sex. There was nothing he hated about any of his past relationships with girls except well, for the girls themselves. They were always too clingy and wanted more from him than he could or wanted to give them. He started sleeping with men out of curiosity at first, he was open like that. But then it became something he quite liked. It suited him, he could switch whenever he felt like it and could have a good time with no strings attached, labels be damned.

But then Jackson came along.

Honestly, he never felt this way about a guy before. Granted he never felt this way about anyone before. There were times he thought he did but eventually those feelings would fade into oblivion and what was left was only ambivalence. All the heart fluttering kisses turned into an annoying action he was expected to fulfil every day and flirty banter was replaced with petty arguments. Looking at the face he thought was ‘so cute’ at first started to fill him with dread as they whined for more attention or to accuse him of not loving enough. Jinyoung felt a pang in his heart.

_No, not with Jackson._

He never wanted that to happened with Jackson. Or worse, what if Jackson grew tired of him first? Now that was something Jinyoung didn’t even want to think about.

_\-------------_

_I like you, I really do… Sorry if it makes you uncomfortable but I just thought if I didn’t confess my feelings now, I…would regret it later._

The student librarian mumbles to Jinyoung. 

_Ah, feelings. Sincere…they always start out like that._ Jinyoung thinks to himself.

He smiles and tells her he's not interested in a serious relationship.

She panics and looks defeated for a moment but gathers her resolve and says that it’s okay. She wouldn’t mind if it wasn’t a serious relationship either.

He looks at her startled for a moment, then he chuckles as he lays a hand gently to pat on her head. He eyes her nametag and then looks back up at her face, now blushing beet red as she darts her eyes nervously to the corner.

_Hyunjin-shi? You did well, really, but it wouldn't be right to do this to you._

Leaving no beat for a reply, Jinyoung withdraws his hand and swiftly looks at his wristwatch before waving at her with a small smile.

_So cute._

Such earnestness reminded him of someone. His smile now reached widely across his face as he scrolled open his phone wondering where Jackson was now. The smile quickly faded though as an unwanted name flashes upon his screen. He made a mental note to himself to delete the contact as soon as he ties up loose ends. The name disappears and his phone fades to black. Then, a notification buzzes, lighting up his screen.

_Babe._

_What?_

_why aren't you answering your phone?_

_I didn’t feel like it._

_What the fuck? What do you mean? Did it all really mean nothing to you?_

_I told you. I made it clear from the start that it wasn't going to mean anything. Are you just fucking dull or what? How much more clearly could I spell it out for you?_

_Then what was all that about? We clearly fucked with feelings involved. I'm not that dull to not feel it okay._

Jinyoung sighed. Ah, yes that night. He wasn't wrong about that. He was just off about who Jinyoung was actually 'feeling' about.

Ugh. What was so good about 'feelings' anyway? Look where it got him now. This was why Jinyoung hated exclusivity. What made Jaebum think he could actually own his ass after just a couple of meaningless flings?

_Listen…I knew I came onto you first. And I'm sorry alright but I thought we both knew it wasn't supposed to mean anything. I was piss drunk Jaebum and I wasn't in the right state of mind. But I told you from the start our relationship isn't like that._

_Who were you crying for then?_

_What? What are you talking about?_

_You cried…you just looked at me and cried while we fucked. So what? It wasn't for me huh? That's why you left in the middle of the fucking night?_

This was all new to Jinyoung. What? Why was he crying? Why didn't he remember? His heart throbbed ever so slightly as he tried to recall the events of that night, his eyebrows furrowing in a tight knit as he rubbed the bridge of his nose.

_Jaebum-ah…I'm sorry. I really am. I didn't know… but I don't like you that way, sorry, I really don't mean to hurt you._

_Whatever man. That was not cool._

Indeed. That was most definitely not cool. What was even more uncool was that Jinyoung seemed to be suppressing something that was building up in him. Something that began a long time ago.

The night he got pissed drunk, he was apart from Jackson for the first time in a few days. Jackson just had two finals that day and he wasn't about to bother him. So, he went out to the nearby bar he frequented for a drink, or two. He couldn't really remember, ironically, because that night he was so desperately trying to forget. Jackson said something strange to him the night before, he was shocked but he hid it well and blurted out a response he couldn't even remember. And when he mustered up the courage to ask Jackson about it again while they both lay in bed at night, the man simply brushed it off by saying he loved him as a friend.

_I see._ It was all he could muster up.

A friend huh?

In the early days of their friendship those words would have comforted him but why did they now feel like a stab in the heart instead? For the first time, he thought, Jackson hurt him.

All because of fucking feelings.

What was it about feelings? Why was everyone making it out to be such a huge deal? Feelings which caused a normally cool and collected man to plead so angrily and desperately for an answer. Feelings that seem to resolve into a kind of courage a timid girl would never expect she had. What about Jinyoung? What was he going to do about his own feelings? Would he just continue to bury it away and cower behind an excuse that it was more convenient that way? Until when was he going to run away from his feelings?

He had to talk to Jackson. He had to say something. He really couldn’t tell from where all this resolve was starting to well up from, all he knew was that things were never going to be the same. Whatever he had been suppressing had grown too big to ignore . He flipped over his phone, fingers working vigorously as if chasing something that was starting to slip from his fingers and autocorrect stretched to the limit trying to comprehend the jumble of words that emerged from his hasty taps.

_Seun-ah. Where are you?_

_I'm at the bar near our place. What's up?_

_We need to talk._

_Is everything okay Nyoung-ie?_

_I…I don’t know. I hope it is. I'll be right there, wait for me please?_

A long pause lingered on the screen till it faded to black as Jinyoung waited for an affirmation with bated breath. He feels his heart about to leap out from his chest. Why was he so afraid?

Suddenly a text bubble popped up, the buzz from his phone causing him to jolt.

_Sure nyoung-ie._

Jinyoung dashed out of the library while a short-haired girl who was watching his every move forced a sad smile. For if she didn’t smile, she would really start to cry.

\-------------

As Jinyoung pushed the door open, the soft tinkling chimes gave way to a waft of greasy, warm scent that filled the air. He smiles as he spots the familiar blond streaks of a certain someone seated by the bar. It was the only thing he noticed at first. But Jackson was looking elsewhere, at someone else, towering over him. Jinyoung couldn't recognize the figure who’s back faced him but something was not right with Jackson's gaze. Suddenly, he leapt up from the stool he was seated in, his fist landing squarely on the jaw of the unknown man. Jinyoung's heart lurched when he saw who it was.

Jaebum smirked even as his lip bled from the small cut Jackson inflicted upon him.

_Jackson-ah…_

His voice was hoarse and weak from running over. He choked a little as Jackson turned his head slightly towards his direction, his eyes seething with an anger Jinyoung didn't even think he would be capable of. No one said a word except for the bar owner who muttered at them to behave. Bystanders looked on curiously with anticipation but the three of them remained silent. Not a single word was said and yet they all knew what was hanging in the air between them.

Jaebum tensed up as Jackson reached across the counter top to grab his jacket, rolling his eyes as he stalked out of the bar and pulling his hat down to cover his eyes. Jinyoung watched helplessly as Jackson walked past him. He gave Jaebum a piercing glare before scrambling out after Jackson.

_Man…fuck this lame shit._ Jaebum scoffed as he rubbed his chin in pain.

\-------------

_Jackson-ah! Hey wait…Stop, please Jackson! Just give me a chance to explain, please!_

The pace of the man in front of him quickened further with every plea he made. Then Jackson stops abruptly and turns to face Jinyoung who almost stumbles backwards. For the first time that day, Jinyoung finally sees the face that he had been missing all day. But that face now wore a pained expression. The edges of his cap casted a shadow over his eyes, masking whatever emotions it threatened to expose.

_Jinyoung-ah. I don’t think I can do this right now. Could you just give me some space to think first?_

_…okay._

As they passed the familiar shops and streets, friendly faces of aunts and uncles they’ve grown to know made Jinyoung breathe a little easier as they flashed a disarming smile at him while he bowed meekly in response. He was caught off-guard when Jackson made a turn down the alley that led to a short cut towards their dorm instead of their usual walk past the bus stop and through the park where Jackson would hunt for squirrels in the dark before finally following the winding path back to their dorm. He felt his heart sink a little. When did things go so horribly wrong? Why did Jackson seem so far away even though he was just right there in front of him?

\-------------

As the door clicked shut, Jackson threw the jacket onto his bed and stood where he was, back still facing Jinyoung. Jinyoung started to approach him, aware that his breathing was becoming more uneven with each step he took forward. He hesitantly placed a hand on the shoulder of the man in front of him and felt the muscles of the toned shoulders he held stiffen.

_Jinyoung-ah._

_Jackson, I have something to say to you._

_I think I’ve heard enough._

_What? What did you hear? It didn’t even come from my own mouth Jackson. At least give me a chance to explain!_

_Explain what?! That you’ve been fucking around with men? I just…ugh. I mean I thought you were straight. All this time I thought you were straight as a fucking rod!_

_Jackson-ah…why are you so angry?_

_I’m not angry at you…I’m just, I’m mad at myself more. Jinyoung…I…ugh FUCK._

Tears betrayed Jackson’s raspy yet firm voice. Sobs started to flow out uncontrollably.

_Why did you have to sleep with him…why…that night? Jinyoung-ie…I can’t…ugh._

He became a spluttering mess as he crouched down burying his face into his knees.

Jinyoung just stared straight into the closed window ahead, his reflection staring straight back into him, he wanted to say something but his thoughts were in a mess. It was like someone yanked out his vocal cords just right when he needed it. He looks down, lips pressed together in a thin line. He felt as if his heart was torn out of his chest as the sounds of Jackson’s sobs filled his head, the guilt eating up his insides till he was an empty husk. The air between them filled with tension and regret.

He always had a feeling. Those gentle touches, the way Jackson looked at him and the way Jackson carefully observed his every move, responding shyly whenever Jinyoung uncharacteristically initiated physical intimacy first. Somehow, he knew. But he didn’t say anything. Why didn’t he? He knew it would be different for Jackson because Jackson didn’t know. But he did, courtesy of Mark. He could have made the first move. But why didn’t he? What was stopping him? What was he so afraid of?

Jackson always made the first move. It was always Jackson. But even he had his limits. Just as Jinyoung had his own insecurities, so did Jackson. The amount of courage it took him to even just touch Jinyoung, embrace him or stroke his hair, his heart on pins and needles each time as he braced himself for disgust or recoil. Why did it take Jinyoung so long to realise that? Why was he so selfish, when all Jackson did was give and give? When all Jackson did was show him love?

All Jackson did was show him love. But love could consume just as much as it could give. And right now, Jackson was consumed with jealousy.

_I feel like I don’t know you Jinyoung. Who are you really?_

_...what do you mean?_

_Were you always someone who slept around so easily?_

Jinyoung’s heart sank further. The sting of the words made his skin crawl. He knew what he did hurt Jackson but were those words really necessary? He was hurting just as much as Jackson was. Couldn’t Jackson even see that much?

_What?_

_Why didn’t you just sleep with me? I could have shown you a good time too you know. Was it because you thought I didn’t swing that way?_

_Stop it. Don’t say anymore. Don’t you dare..._

_What Jinyoung-ie? Am I just not good enough for you?_

Jinyoung felt like his body was no longer his own, every breath he took sharp and painful. The one person in the world Jinyoung thought would always be on his side, who always had his back, was spitting venom into his face. Why did it have to be like this? Why did it have to hurt so badly? Yet now, couldn’t bear to even look at the man. He had so much to say but nothing was going to come out, only tears that welled up in his eyes as he turned towards the door and wordlessly left the room.

\-------------

Jinyoung didn’t return to their dorm that night. He wasn’t ready to face Jackson after what happened, Jackson’s words ringed through his head as a sick feeling formed at the pit of his stomach. He walked absentmindedly and when he came back to reality, he realized he had walked into the park out of habit.

He laughed bitterly as he dropped his weight onto a bench, and when it started pouring he stared up for a moment before trudging off to the nearest gazebo that sat idly by the large pond. He stared into the darkness of the night as the rain started to pour incessantly as it seemed to do more frequently recently. His hands in his pockets gripping tightly onto a phone that buzzed just as relentlessly as the rain poured. He leaned against the white picket fencing that surrounded the gazebo and slid down to the ground, shutting his eyes and pursing his lips, as he wished for the rain to flood and drown him along with it.

When he came to it was already dawn, and he started to sneeze from the chilly morning breeze. The rain still drizzling lightly as the rising sun peeked through the passing clouds. _Like a beautiful little painting,_ Jinyoung thought sardonically. He felt a buzz in his hand and realised he was still clutching his phone in his pocket. As he swiped his screen, a dozen or so message notifications flooded his screen, all from one person. His chest tightened. As he read the pleas of the other man, he couldn’t help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. Why did love make them so desperate, acting so pathetically? He smiled ruefully as he thought of the days where it seemed so much simpler, where they could just enjoy each other’s company freely, without fear, without guilt and all the possessiveness that came with love.

His phone buzzes as another message pops up. He felt his heart constricted into a tight knot as he read the words.

_Jinyoung. I love you. And not just as a friend._

Without hesitation, Jinyoung tapped a short reply. His mind resolute, but his heart fragile and falling apart as the tears came back to him.

_Me too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys, hope you yall enjoyed it. its a little longer than I planned it to be but there it is. I know how bad it looks right now, and you might be thinking, how much more could this bitch possibly put my jinson through. Well if that's what you're thinking. Congrats heres a daesang for you because this bitch is a sadistic bitch and the next chapter is only going to get worse :') 
> 
> Hang in there guys the end is nigh. Ultimately jinson is my weakness and I could never end it in tragedy. there's a silver lining somewhere out there, if you squint. maybe. idk. k bye.


	3. Rumination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2.5k of Jinyoung and Jackson being absolutely frustrating. And heartbreaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so theres a bit more sexual implications here. but i swear guys, its all in the name of plot! have fun~

_With so many secrets I sing aloud_

_But none sees nor hears in this crowd._

_Oh for a friend to know my burning state_

_That our souls may mingle and contemplate._

_~Mathnavi I, I_

\-------------

A faint fog shrouded the streets. A silence encompassed the streets save for the sounds of weary footsteps spattering large puddles that had formed in the cracks and fractures of the wornout pavement that lay beneath Jinyoung's feet. He sniffled as he tried to huddle himself uselessly, finally feeling the effects of the cold morning air penetrating his bones.

_F-fuck…so cold._

An anger welled up inside him, why was he the one who had to leave? He should have just kicked that bastard out instead. How dare that idiot say those things to him? How _could_ he? Fine. He admitted that he was partially at fault for what happened. But, honestly, they weren't even a thing then. They still weren't a thing now. So why did he have to feel so guilty? Why _did_ he feel so guilty?

A cold breeze blew into his face, causing him to shut his eyes, as he cursed under his breath defiantly. He looked up at the faint drizzle blanketing the skies gently. He was definitely going to sock one in Jackson's eye when he reached the dorms. Just moments earlier, Jinyoung was sobbing breathlessly in that godforsaken gazebo. He was overcome by all the pent-up emotions he mentally denied, depriving his own desire to feel what he truly felt.

Leaning his chest over ledge of the white picket fence, he stared soullessly into the pond beneath him, a shapeless reflection of himself staring back at him. He looked like utter shit. What on earth was he doing there? It was so unlike him to look this disheveled, this…broken.

_Only Jackson._ He muttered caustically.

His thoughts wavered towards the man who caused him all this misery. What was Jackson doing now? An image of the stocky blond-haired man sitting on his bed, hunched over, anxiously waiting his return. Sitting in the _warmth_ of their dorm. Somehow that just seemed to set Jinyoung off. He felt like a pathetic cheating husband who neglected his wife. But they were both guys. And they weren't even a _fucking thing_.

His footsteps hastened as he approached the familiar bus stop, then the sight of a figure made his embittered gaze falter.

_Jackson…_

The man looked up. Pale, chapped lips shivering slightly. As always Jackson was stupidly underdressed. Jinyoung stiffened at the sight of the man whose blond streaks in his hair had lost its lustre, damp with rainwater, his sleeveless tee soaked as Jackson shuffled his feet to face him. The heels of his bare foot jutting out of his sneakers, apparent that it was hastily slotted in. The sight destroyed enough to destroy Jinyoung.

_What are you doing-_

_Jinyoung! I was so so worried. Why didn't you answer my calls? I thought something happened to you!_

Jackson sprung himself onto Jinyoung, wrapping him up in his bare arms. Jackson's embrace was always warm, countering the naturally cold skin of Jinyoung. But now he was so cold. Bitingly cold. Jinyoung stood there frozen in his tracks, his eyes widening as it all became clear to him, as if he was finally processing what was going on.

_Jackson-ah… how long have you been out here?_

Suddenly, he felt an entire weight lean over him his frame, almost causing him to fall backwards.

_Jackson-ah…Jackson-ah! Oh my god, you're burning up! Sseunie…why…ugh…w-why the fuck…_

Panic overcame Jinyoung, guilt wracking his entire being as he tried to prop up Jackson in his arms. He whimpered, softly caressing the wet cheeks of the man whose back was now leaning weakly against his shoulder.

_Jinyoung-ah, don't cry. Its not your fault. It was all my fault. I shouldn't have-_

_S-shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear you..hic…say another word. We need to get you back home. L-let's go home okay?_

Jackson's head now rested on Jinyoung's shoulder, his damp chest soaking through the fabric on Jinyoung's back. As Jinyoung hastened down the alley, he constantly adjusted Jackson's thighs which rested his forearms. Jackson was smaller than him but he was well-built and heavy. It didn't help that Jinyoung felt like his head and throat was throbbing from the prolonged exposure to the cold unrelenting rain. But he had to hurry. Jackson groaned slightly, a breath on the nape of his neck caused him to shudder. He sighed as he wondered to himself what caused them to reach this point.

_Fucking feelings._

\-------------

Jinyoung stroked Jackson's hair gently. His hands were shivering, but he didn’t know if it was the bitter cold from a night spent in the park or from the pain of looking at someone he cherished so dearly struggle with shallow breaths as beads of perspiration trickled from down the blond's bangs all because of him. And it was all because of him. He didn't know Jackson would come running out looking for him in panic. He didn’t know. He should have known. He knew what Jackson was like. He knew but all he was thinking about was himself. Selfishly wallowing in his own hurt, not realising the effect he had on the other.

_He should have known better._

As his eyes watered, he placed a cold compress over Jackson's now burning forehead. He felt the groan of the other man reverberate into his chest as he wrapped his arms around Jackson to prop him up and feed him medication. Jackson's eyelids which were shut the whole time slowly opened to stare, unblinking, as his let Jinyoung feed him. He stared at Jinyoung as he swallowed, his adam's apple bobbing up and down in a lethargic motion, noticing the tear stained cheeks behind the other man's glasses.

_Jinyoung-ah. Don’t feel so bad…it’s really not your fault._

_But it is…_

_No its not, Jinyoung-ah look at me please._

Jinyoung looks back up to find Jackson staring deep into his eyes, imploring, filled with yearning and pain he wished he could unsee. Tears trickled down as he weeps silently, biting his lower lip. Jackson reaches out to brush his thumb along his lower lip gently, prompting him to stop. Jinyoung's pale lips now pink from the pressure of his own teeth. Jackson gazes softly into Jinyoung's eyes before it lowers down to his lips, tilting his head to the side and moving cautiously till their lips timidly press against each other. Jinyoung closes his eyes as another tear falls onto Jackson's cheek and parts his lips, allowing the other to pull him into a deeper kiss.

Jinyoung felt a pair of feverish, sweaty palms slip under his hoodie tracing his cold back up to his shoulders. Jinyoung shuddered at the sudden warmth as he gripped into the nape of Jackson's neck. The man trailed his hands up and down his back so delicately as if Jinyoung would disappear at even the slightest mishandling. Jinyoung let out a soft moan as he grabbed onto tufts of Jackson's hair while the other peppered kisses on his neck. He lifted his other hand off the other's shoulder to cup the man's hot, blushing cheek, prompting him to look up at Jinyoung. As Jinyoung searched his eyes, a different kind of yearning washed over both their gazes.

Jinyoung, seated on the edge of the bed, lifted his legs off the floor as Jackson held him in a tight embrace pulling Jinyoung over him as he leaned back down on his bed. Jinyoung propped himself up on his knees and palms, splayed over Jackson. He looked down at the man beneath him who stared back at him intensely, a pause lingered as they took in the sight of each other. Jinyoung settles a hand on Jackson's chest, feeling his erratic heartbeat. His eyes darted back to Jackson's face as the cloud of lust that filled his vision subsided, instead growing worried, finally noticing how the other was struggling with shallow breaths.

_Jackson-ah maybe we should wait-_

The other man cut him off, pulling him down into another deep kiss that caused Jinyoung to lose all sense of reality as he slowly melted into Jackson's tight embrace.

\-------------

As Jackson laid on his back, he bored holes into the ceiling fan with a long stare. The smell of sweat and musk filled the air and his lungs as he felt a warm bare chest pressed up to his side, heaving methodically in a rise and fall so characteristic of Jinyoung. Jackson smiled. When was the last time he felt this content with Jinyoung by his side? He realised how much pain he had been hiding from Jinyoung and how much vitriol he had spat at Jinyoung the night before. His chest ached as he shut his eyes tightly. A soft moan escaped the sleeping man's lips as Jackson moved slightly to glance at his side. The man snuggled closer as Jackson draped and arm around the other man's neck. He gazed tenderly at Jinyoung's plump lips that parted ever so slightly. Those lips that moaned his name so deliriously just a few minutes ago.

_S-sseun-ah…ah…more-_

He blushed as he recalled Jinyoung riding atop him, looking at him fervently, tears streaming down his cheeks.

Tears...?

_Didn't you know how much of a slut your roommate actually was? He was crying while I fucked his brains out._

Jackson retracted his arm without thinking, a sharp pain rose in his throat. The man rustled uncomfortably at the sudden jerk, but his eyes remained closed as he continued to breath slowly. Methodically. As he always did. Jackson slowly got out of the single bed their bodies were cramped on, head throbbing from the medication trying to be careful not to wake the other up. He looked at the sleeping man, feeling like his heart was in his throat, before putting on his clothes and leaving the room.

Jinyoung opened his eyes as soon as he heard the sound of the door clicking. He didn’t move from his position and just looked emptily at the bare wall on the other side of Jackson's bed.

\-------------

They didn’t get to see much of each other over the next few days as Jinyoung was busy preparing for his own finals. Only awkward mornings, with Jackson clearly avoiding him and making excuses not to look at his face. His heart sank each time he saw Jackson smile at him, a smile that was so clearly in pain. He wished he could just pull the other into a hug. But he knew that he just had to give Jackson some space. All he needed was some time, then they could talk things out. They had to.

He looked at the sleeveless tee that now slung over Jackson’s bedframe and wondered whether they could ever talk normally again. He got up from his chair, stretching out after spending hours hunched over his papers. He spread himself out on the playmat that Jackson loved to lie on. A buzz rang out from the pocket of his hoodie as he snapped out his phone.

_Yeah?_

_Hyung! I’m outside your dorm, let’s have a drink! Your treat of course. HAHAHAHA._

The phone cut off, as Jinyoung stared at the black screen in disbelief before breaking into a chuckle. He pushed up the frame of his glasses that were sliding off his nose and got up. That infectious laughter had the ability to make even the saddest, smallest violin in the world crack out a happy tune.

Jinyoung waved back at his junior who beamed once he caught sight of him.

_Oh my god hyung, you look like crap. When did you last shower?_

_You’ll understand if you come to the engineering faculty._

_HAHA. No thanks, I’d rather eat ass._

_What’s wrong with eating ass?_

_HAHAHA. Ewww, you’re sick hyung._

_Say that again Choi Young Jae, I dare you._

Jinyoung pulled the mischievous guy into a headlock as they playfully wrestled, giggles escaping from the younger man’s lips.

_How’s your first semester here?_

_It’s great, I’m glad I transferred, the facilities are way better here. So, hyung, have you thought about what I said?_

_About?_

_Going for summer studies together! I really meant it, I’m planning to submit my application tomorrow. With or without you, I’m still gonna go you know~_

Jinyoung paused, his mind wandering to look out of the café window at the rain starting to pour again.

_It’s been raining a lot recently huh, hyung?_

_Mhmmm…._

_\-------------_

Jackson shuffled uncomfortably in his seat. His mind constantly replaying the scene he witnessed earlier. The sight of Jinyoung laughing unabashedly, ruffling the hair of his junior as they walked together arm in arm on their jolly way to god knows where. He groaned as he banged his head into his study table. Leaning on one side of his face, he glanced at the stupid sleeveless tee hanging over his bedframe, almost as if it was mocking him.

He knew who Youngjae was, he knew that he was just a junior Jinyoung knew from way back in middle school. He knew all that but he just couldn’t help himself. His mind was filled with so much turmoil as Jaebum’s words constantly ringed through his ears.

_That fucking asshole._

He felt like going over to the bar where that sniveling bastard worked just to beat him to a pulp again.

_No._

He needed to talk to Jinyoung. They had to talk. He knew that. He knows that more than anyone right now but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was afraid. Afraid of what Jinyoung might say. He let out another groan as he banged his head against the table again.

_Knock-knock! GUESS WHO’S BACK BROTHA!_

Jackson snapped his head up in surprise as he turned around and scrambled for the door, not believing his ears. He opened the door to a slim, red-haired man grinning widely at him.

_MARK? WHHATT…Since when were you back in Korea?_

_Since two hours ago. I came here first thing to see how you were doing. I missed you. Come ‘ere brou!!!_

The red-head squealed as he pulled Jackson into a bear hug. As soon as he did, however, he pulled back in disgust.

_Dude, ever heard of a shower? I heard those things do wonders man._

Jackson smiled weakly at him, his pallid face and eyes revealed a couple of sleepless nights. His friend immediately senses something was off.

_Jacks…what’s wrong?_

_\-------------_

Jackson paced back and forth in the small dorm room that night. His mind going through a flurry as he obsessed over something Mark accidentally revealed earlier. As Jackson indulged Mark in the details of what happened with Jinyoung, his friend grew enraged and started to berate himself.

_I should have never introduced him to you…it was a mistake. I thought if I warned him, ugh, I’m sorry Jacks._

_What? What do you mean you warned him?_

_I told him to back off! That you were, you know. And that he shouldn’t mess around with you! I did it to protect you…I’m so sorry. I really am._

_He knew? A-all this time he knew?_

_Yeah. Jackson I-_

_Sorry Mark I think I need to be alone for a while._

_I’m so sorry Jackson._

_Its not your fault, you couldn’t have known what would happen…I just, I just need to be alone for now okay?_

Jinyoung knew.

All this time he knew.


	4. Bittersweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We don't always get it right the first time. Maybe back then, we were a little too immature, a little too impatient.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys hahaha yes fast I know, I was just so inspired these days idk fucking feelings man.HAHA. anyway. as per the usual, some minor sexual references ahead. it gets a little rough but nothing too bad I promise. Enjoy ~

_\-----------_

Jackson stopped in his tracks as he heard the door click open. The man startled for a moment, as if he wasn’t expecting Jackson to be there.

_H-hey…got caught in the rain again ha…ha._

Jackson just stared at him, he couldn’t find the words he wanted to say. His mind was swirling in a vortex of emotions.

_He knew._

Jinyoung chuckled nervously as his eyes darted off to the side, not knowing how to treat the awkward silence that hung in the air. He ran his fingers through his damp hair as he placed his phone on the study table and then turned to his wardrobe to grab a fresh change of clothes.

All this while Jackson just stood there, his hands trembling as he felt unwanted tears roll down his cheeks.

_Bzzt…bzzzt…bzzt._

The phone on Jinyoung’s table started to vibrate, screen flashing to reveal the caller ID. The owner of the phone wasn’t paying heed, he was too busy struggling with his soaking hoodie, trying to pull his arm out of the wet fabric that clung stubbornly. Jackson’s eyes fell onto the screen.

_“Youngjaeeee^^”_

He rolled his eyes, that familiar sick feeling forming at the pit of his stomach. He eyed his friend with a betrayed look on his face. The person in question though didn’t see it, struggling to now pull the hoodie off his head, his glasses caught in the fabric.

_Hey uhh Jackson could you help me…_

Jackson shut his eyes tightly for a brief moment, letting out a small sigh. Then he stalked forward, his steps firm as his eyes hardened. He yanked the sweater off Jinyoung and before the other could get a word in, he grabbed the confused man’s wrists in a strong unrelenting grip and pinned him against the wardrobe, both wrists held in one strong grip over Jinyoung’s head. His eyes widened as his glasses dangled by his ears, a blush rose in his cheeks as Jackson brought his face close, making Jinyoung realize that the other had been had been crying.

_Sseun-ie…whats wrong?_

Jackson flinched at the nickname. He used to love it when Jinyoung called him that, but now it felt like a bullet to the fucking heart. Jackson pulled his face closer till his breath tickled Jinyoung’s ear, now deep red, as he growled.

_You. You’re what’s wrong._

Jinyoung shivered as the shorter man gripped his thigh and lifted it up. Jackson gazed darkly at the other man before pulling him into a heated kiss. Everything else around them started to blur as the phone vibrations ceased and Jinyoung was pulled further and further into the deep abyss. Only Jackson had that kind of effect on him.

_Only Jackson._

_\-----------_

An uncomfortable silence filled the room as the two men covered in sweat, breathed heavily. They were laying on the playmat between their beds. Jinyoung, who was laying on his belly, propped up himself up to hug a pillow to his chest. He bristled at the pain shooting up his lower back. This time felt different. Something was wrong. He looked over at Jackson whose back was turned to him.

_Hey…Sseun-ah. We need to talk you know._

_I know._

_So, can we talk now?_

No reply.

Jinyoung was growing tired of this silent treatment he’d been receiving since he got back. Sure, Jackson had been a little terse the past few days, but he felt like something snapped in him earlier.

_Sseun-ah. I need you to tell me what’s wrong. What are we? At this rate we’re just fuck buddies!_

_Isn’t that how you like it?_

Jinyoung’s eyes widened, this time in disbelief at what he just heard.

_w-what? Jackson. Are you still on that?_

_Still on that? How am I supposed to be off that?! Tell me Jinyoung how am I supposed to get over it when slimy bastards at the bar tell me you cry for them as long as you get a good fuck!_

Jinyoung’s heart shattered. Knowing Jaebum, he knew something like this would happen. He just never expected it to come out from Jackson’s mouth. His lips started to quiver as he tried to hold back his tears, but the more he tried, the more the snot and tears threatened to leaked out.

_I cried because of you Jackson. It was only ever you._

A small whimper betrayed his lips as Jackson jerked up at the revelation. Jinyoung turned away from him and slowly pushed himself up to get off the mat. He grabbed a shirt and pants and put them on as Jackson reached out to pull onto his hand.

_Wait Jinyoung-ah._

Jinyoung pulled his arm away from Jackson’s grip and hobbled towards the door, before turning back momentarily to where Jackson stood, eyes cast on the floor.

_Don’t bother looking for me, I’m sleeping in Bam and Gyeom’s room tonight._

Jackson grabbed his head and yelled out in frustration as soon as the door slammed shut.

_\-----------_

As Jinyoung laid, belly facing down on Bambam’s bed, he groaned as he remembered how moments ago he had let Jackson take him. Why did he put out so easily? He just felt cheapened by the whole encounter. He smothered his face into the gold sequined pillow, muffling a scream. The other two didn’t seem to pay him any mind though as they bickered uselessly about who was getting the last piece of the takeout chicken.

_Hyung, hyung, will you please tell this overgrown asshole that whoever treats gets dibs on the last piece?_

_BUT HYUNG HE OWES ME MONEY._

_Ugh I’m gonna pay you back Gyeom. This and that are two different things._

_It was 50 bucks okay, even if you count the chicken you still owe me $32.45_

_WHO EVEN KEEPS FIVE CENTS THESE DAYS?_

_SHUT UP I DO OK._

Jinyoung just lifts his hand to wave off the pestering kids, not lifting his head from the pillow even as the gaudy fabric scratched at his face. Usually he would indulge in them, but tonight was a fucking disaster. Not only did he put out to Jackson again before they actually had a proper talk but he walked out on him. Again. He finally turned to his head to the side, staring at the two idiots arguing in front of him, not budging his sore hips and sighed.

_Are you ok hyung?_

_Yeah. I’m okay Bam._

_HEY! YAH KIM YUGYEOM! I WON’T FORGET THIS!_

Bambam who was momentarily worried about his hyung stared at the empty bucket utterly crestfallen, as if he had lost the love of his life. Jinyoung sighed again as he looked wistfully at the two of them playfully bicker and thought about him and Jackson. Jackson and him. Could they even fix this shitstorm they found themselves in without falling into another vicious cycle of tormenting and hurting each other again?

His phone buzzed for the second time that night. He wondered why he was so popular tonight. His brows furrowed in a tight knit as he lifted the phone screen closer to his face, thinking that he read the name wrongly. He hesitated for a moment before answering.

_It’s been a while…how are you, Mark?_

_\-----------_

Jackson crumpled his notes for the nth time as he scratched the back of his head furiously. He glanced over at the other side of the room, neat, clean and utterly vacant. It was three days now since he last saw Jinyoung. Three days since he-

_What the fuck was I thinking? How could I do that to him…_

Since that night he hadn’t seen Jinyoung even once. He knew that he was being avoided and that Jinyoung had been making sure to carefully return to their room each time he wasn’t there. He would see notes shuffle around on the other man’s desk, bags appearing and disappearing. He couldn’t blame Jinyoung for what he was doing but he really wished the man would just give him another shot. He cringed at the words he said without thinking, playing them over and over in his head. His head throbbed recalling as Jinyoung laid bare all his vulnerabilities to him.

_It was only ever you._

His heart ached as he closed his eyes, remembering Jinyoung’s face filled with anguish as he turned away from Jackson.

_Jinyoung. Jinyoung-ie…it was only ever you too._

Nothing else mattered anymore. He just wanted to see the soft porcelain skin, the cute little button nose that crinkled every time Jackson said or did something silly. He just wanted to hear that booming laughter again. But all he did was make Jinyoung cry. All because he loved him. He wished he didn’t, just so that maybe if he didn’t, Jinyoung wouldn’t have had to feel so much hurt because of him. It was all because of him.

He looked at his phone as it lit up with a message, his heart did a double take as he clambered his hands over his phone, checking that he didn’t misread the name.

_Jackson-ah. Let’s talk if you’re free._

_I’m free now. I’m in the dorm._

_Alright I’m coming back home soon._

Home. Jinyoung was finally coming home to him.

_\-----------_

They both sat down on the playmat leaning against the bedframe side by side. Jinyoung didn’t say a word when he entered the room. And he hadn’t said a word since. Jackson cleared his throat and managed out a question in a small voice.

_How have you been holding up-_

_Jackson-ah. I…I think we need a break from each other._

Jackson’s heart sank. Was Jinyoung giving up on him? On them? No. No god please no. He didn’t want to lose Jinyoung just like that.

_What do you mean…N-nyoung-ie I…if you need a break from me take all the time you need. Just please don’t-_

_Jackson-ah. I-I’m going for a summer study after this semester ends. You know I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now, it’s not just because of you. I want to see the world and explore…you know…like I’ve always talked about._

_I-I know. I’m glad you’re finally going._

Jackson looked up to find Jinyoung’s gaze faltering and managed a weak smile.

_I mean it Jinyoung-ah._

They sat there and stared at each other for a long beat. It felt like an eternity passed as they looked longingly at each other, yearning and yet guarded, afraid that they would hurt each other again. Jackson noticed Jinyoung flinch as he unconsciously reached out his fingers to graze upon his friend's cheek. He felt his heart shrink a little. He gently cupped the other man’s face in his hand and looked into the other’s eyes reassuringly, his voice now filled with resolve.

_Jinyoung-ah. I’ll always be here waiting for you. Take all the time you need okay, explore, eat lots of good food, read all those good books like you always wanted and get lost with that little brat Youngjae in whatever place you end up in. I just want you to be happy. And-_

His voice trembled as he heard the other man break into soft sobs, he couldn’t help as his own tears streamed down his face, spluttering as he spoke. He drew the other into a warm, gentle embrace. 

_And I’m sorry Jinyoung. I’m so so sorry that I hurt you like that. You didn’t deserve it. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I ruined it for us. I just hope you can find it in your heart one day to forgive me. I love you, you’re my forever friend Nyoung-ie…it was only ever you too._

They both wept together in each other’s arms for a long time. Both of them not wanting to break away, but both knowing that it was for the best.

_\-----------_

And so, summer came, and it went. Time seemed to slip through Jinyoung’s hands as he tried to keep up with the new environment, the foreign language and food. He reveled in it, and he had his annoying little junior by his side in case he ever got homesick. The new experiences and even new friends that he made impacted him in a way he never thought it would. He was more open, a little less judgmental and more patient. He still loved giving pointed jabs whenever the situation called for it though. He was still just Jinyoung after all. No one could put him in a fucking box unless it was his dead body.

As summer ended and he waved good-bye to Youngjae at the airport, he felt his heart quiver ever so slightly as he got into the taxi. He didn’t know why, he knew Jackson wouldn’t be around when he got to the dorm but it was like a flood of distant memories that used to embitter him so badly now only floated freely through his thoughts.

He had kept in touch with Jackson, sending him pictures of whatever random landmark he took, or a pretty sunset. The other would just send him a shocked emoticon or weird gif in response. It made him chuckle all the same. Then one day Jackson sent him a long message saying that he was going to take the next semester off, he had to go back to China because his mother was extremely ill and that he was sorry he wouldn’t be able to pick him up at the airport when he returned. Jinyoung merely responded with concern and wished him and his family well.

And that was that.

Another semester came and went. Jinyoung spent sleepless nights in their room, not showering for days on end while pulling his hair out in panic whenever a deadline or exam drew near. He would sometimes lie on the playmat Jackson loved so dearly as he recalled the 2 years they spent rooming together. His thoughts floated to a memory of the first time he initiated a hug. It was right on that mat as Jackson was venting out to Jinyoung about someone saying something that pissed Jackson off. He didn’t know what came over him as he pulled the blond man in a tight hug, wanting to shield him from whatever pain he was feeling. It was probably then. That was the moment Jinyoung felt, even if he wasn’t aware of it yet, that he was in love with his best friend.

_\-----------_

Jinyoung looked up at the sky as the rain finally let up and started to settle into a small drizzle. He kept stealing glances around and obsessively checked his wristwatch every few minutes. Then the minutes turned into a full hour as he fidgeted on the bench. He got up impatiently and paced back and forth before turning to face the empty road that stretched alongside the bus stop, settling his feet right at the edge of the curb. He reached his hand out to feel the rain patter on his outstretched palms gently. He snapped out of his brief daze as soon as he heard footsteps and the sound of baggage wheels rolling, splattering the puddles that filled the nooks and crannies of the worn-out pavement. His face lit up as soon as he could recognize who it was.

_Sorry, did you wait long?_

_Nah…only a whole fucking year._

The other man laughed heartily as he ran a hair through his now light brown locks, stopping mere inches away from Jinyoung.

Jinyoung smiles, his button nose crinkling as he looked on affectionately.

The water in the drain running alongside the curb streamed languidly, seemingly without a care in the world. It knew there was no need to rush. Maybe this time it would get to where it wanted.

_\-----------_

_Seated here attached to the present of this royal place_

_We are a singing joy, you and I._

_Two in form, two in figure, two to the outward eye_

_We're one in one, you and I._

_~Divan 322_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! thanks for all who stuck around and read through the whole thing it means a lot to me as it's my way of working through some fucking feelings HAHA. Anyway I hope you guys enjoyed it :]


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